day 19. reverb10
What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2011? (Author: Leonie Allan)
On the second day of my month-long yoga teacher training, my right shoulder began to hurt. So much so that I couldn’t lift my right arm away from my body without feeling a stab of pain. I would like to say that this slight impairment didn’t have much effect on me, but satya be known it turned me into a train wreck. I went from an excited, eager, confident student to an awkward, self-conscious, crying, i’m-wasting-my-money-and-everybody-else’s-time-and-energy-by-being-here student. It sucked. I felt dumb doing my own (gimped-out) yoga during our multiple daily group sadhanas and began to loathe the very thing that I came to learn.
Then everything changed in an instant.
During an evening of meditation-in-motion, in a circle surrounded by loved ones and moving by grace, inspiration and divinity, I received a message. What I came to see quite clearly, was that ever since my dad died, I had been holding a grudge against God. Had you asked me, I would I said yes, I used to be mad at God, but I had forgiven him awhile back and now we were ok again. And this was true from the logical adult-me. But my seven year-old-me–god bless her–continued to see the situation from a seven year-old’s perspective: God took something I wanted. And I wanted it back.
And then, in words I can’t comfortably share in their entirety here, my dad spoke to me. And in this circle, I realized just how hard of a battle I had been fighting for almost a quarter of a century. A battle I didn’t have to fight, and one I could instantly and honorably abandon, if I so choose.
And so I did.
And I am quite sure that it was in that instant of surrender, of recognizing and accepting what IS (yes my dad died, but his love never will) that my weeks of shoulder pain healed. The next morning, and every day after my shoulder was completely fine. Looking back, though, I’m pretty sure it never actually was my shoulder, but my heart, just a few inches away, that was calling out for some love and tending to.