Satya


What piece of truth

could your inner critic

possibly tell you

that your heart

could not share with you

in love ?

(Inspired by an early morning call today with a Playing Big member.)

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Playing Big

Thank’s to Tara Sophia Mohr, I’m learning how to Play Big.  People who know me might look at the things I’ve done in my 31 years and think I already know how to play big.  I’ve backpacked solo across Europe, quit a lucrative job in corporate america to live and volunteer in South America, spent 40 days walking across Spain (aka the Camino de Santiago in Spain), jumped out of an airplane and hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon.   I’ve gotten my masters degree and  am a Registered Dietitian and a Certified Yoga Instructor. But I know there’s something I’m NOT doing…a calling I haven’t quite actualized.  I have this feeling that all of my experiences (the good, bad and even the ugly) were necessary to position me perfectly to carry out this calling.  And while I am not 100% sure what it’s about, I am sure that I am not yet 100% qualified. This, however, Tara says is a sure sign I’m on the right path.  (“Assignments always grow us in some meaningful way. You will have to evolve, develop new capacities, and show up to life in new ways,” she writes.)

If you are also trying to find your way, check out this post.  In it Tara asks:

What happened here? How did so many of us lose and shut down our voices, or turn away from our right paths? What is the primary, fundamental cause, if there is one, and what are the secondary ripples that happen from there? Why are so many of us still paralyzed in sharing our voices in the world?”

Here’s an expert from my response.

“… there does seem to be a theme that we lose our voice when we lose faith in ourself.  And as you point out even people who grow up in a relatively supportive environment can manufacture their own voice of doubt and unworthiness.  Perhaps then the reason we shut down our voice and shy away from our path is connected to forgetting our connection to spirit, to divinity, and to love. That what we desire is already inside.  That worthiness is our birthright. And we don’t have to do anything to deserve it.  But when we forget, we clam up.  We worry we have to say the right words and do the right thing and look the right way in order to be okay/accepted/loved/worthy.

But perhaps this is all okay.  Perhaps even necessary.  Because there is so much beauty in the remembering.  The re-connection.  The learning to speak up, share out, dive in.  Connect, engage, go beyond…again and again.

I think many of us are still paralyzed because of a lack of mentors, older sisters, role models or other ‘real life’ people to light the way.  ”

Tara has surely helped to light my way, and I have nothing but huge gratitude for her and the Playing Big women who are shaking up and rocking my world.  Thank you.  My heart salutes you.  Satya!

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new name


 

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Let’s meet again, for the first time. If you could introduce yourself to strangers by another name for just one day, what would it be and why? (Author: Becca Wilcott)

Original answer Dec 2010:  “I simply have no idea.!”

Modified answer March 17 2011: Soraya

I came about this name during a visualization exercise in Tara Sophia Mohr’s Women’s circle.  After a lovely journey out of the galaxy, we returned to earth and visited with our future self.  My future self told me her name was Soraya.

Honestly, the name frightens me.  The reason being perhaps-like you-the only only association I have with the name Soraya is the tragic movie ‘The Stoning of Soraya M.’  After I was told the name my brain jumped in and tried to change it to “something nicer” like Sarah but something deeper would not be persuaded otherwise.  I do think the name is exotic and beautiful, and have since learned it is a Persian name meaning “rich” or “princess” so maybe I shouldn’t be so scared.  If I were to change my name for a day I would try  Soraya on for size.

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Travel

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How did you travel in 2010? How and/or where would you like to travel next year? (Author: Tara Hunt)

I can happily say that in 2010 I travelled not very much.  In fact, I spent the first 9 months of 2010 in my (mom’s) house.  I don’t think I’ve been in one location for that long in ten years.  It was bliss.

In 2011 I will be working on a national health study that requires travel 48 weeks out of the year.  I will travel through out the U.S (consciously, happily) and perhaps take a trip of my own.

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Future Self

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December 21 – Future Self. Imagine yourself five years from now. What advice would you give your current self for the year ahead? (Bonus: Write a note to yourself 10 years ago. What would you tell your younger self?) (Author: Jenny Blake)

This video says it all.

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beyond avoidance

day 20. reverb 10

What should you have done this year but didn’t because you were too scared, worried, unsure, busy or otherwise deterred from doing? (Bonus: Will you do it?) (Author: Jake Nickell)

When I lived in Salt Lake City about 5 years ago, I began tracing my family tree.   With the high percentage of Mormons residing there, Salt Lake City is the epicenter of genealogy and houses the largest archives in the world.  I found it thrilling to discover when (1891) and how (the steamship SS Moravia) my family arrived to this country, and piece together the lives of the very people I have to thank for my existence.

The SS Moravia

After leaving SLC my research has been quite intermittent.   I delay getting started because I don’t know what I’m doing.  And while I love the work, I  put a lot of pressure to make it perfect, since documenting one’s family history is no slight task.  (It doesn’t help that I ofen forget where I left off and end up redoing my own work.)

However, in 2011 I hope to archive and scan as many photos and memorabilia as possible and begin interviewing my relatives.  Later in the year I will  start a website to share my discoveries with the rest of my family to keep them up-to-date (and myself motivated to continue!)  And, yes– I will do it!

Photo: my great grandmother with my grandfather and uncle in the baskets!

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healing

day 19. reverb10

What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2011? (Author: Leonie Allan)

On the second day of my month-long yoga teacher training, my right shoulder began to hurt.  So much so that I couldn’t lift my right arm away from my body without feeling a stab of pain.  I would like to say that this slight impairment didn’t have much effect on me, but satya be known it turned me into a train wreck.  I went from an excited, eager, confident student to an awkward, self-conscious, crying, i’m-wasting-my-money-and-everybody-else’s-time-and-energy-by-being-here student. It sucked.  I felt dumb doing my own (gimped-out) yoga during our multiple daily group sadhanas and began to loathe the very thing that I came to learn.

Then everything changed in an instant.

During an evening of meditation-in-motion, in a circle surrounded by loved ones and moving by grace, inspiration and divinity, I received a message.  What I came to see quite clearly, was that ever since my dad died, I had been holding a grudge against God.  Had you asked me, I would I said yes, I used to be mad at God, but I had forgiven him awhile back and now we were ok again.  And this was true from the logical adult-me. But my seven year-old-me–god bless her–continued to see the situation from a seven year-old’s perspective: God took something I wanted.  And I wanted it back.

And then, in words I can’t comfortably share in their entirety here, my dad spoke to me.  And in this circle, I realized just how hard of a battle I had been fighting for almost a quarter of a century. A battle I didn’t have to fight, and one I could instantly and honorably abandon, if I so choose.

And so I did.

And I am quite sure that it was in that instant of surrender, of recognizing and accepting what IS (yes my dad died, but his love never will) that my weeks of shoulder pain healed.  The next morning, and every day after my shoulder was completely fine.  Looking back, though, I’m pretty sure it never actually was my shoulder, but my heart, just a few inches away, that was calling out for some love and tending to.

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